I have the world to call my home

How do you let go of something that’s forever?

Discover your joy. Beth

Today, I was playing around on my computer and I found something that I never even knew existed. Microsoft Office OneNote. It’s probably the greatest organizational tool ever. I can make To Do Lists (the name of my personal to do list is the title of this blog) and it even has boxes that check to help one feel a sense of accomplishment after completing a task. Let’s be real, that’s the only reason I make To Do Lists, so I can feel good when I check something off it. There are also different checklists: high priority, medium priority, and low priority. I have completed everything on my academic high priority list. Check and check. However, I have only managed to complete one task on medium priority of my personal checklist. To make it all worse, I keep adding “high priority” items.

Lately, I have been watching the tv show 30 Rock in my spare time. I am now a HUGE Tina Fey fan. Not only is she a great comedian and writer, but I love her character, Liz Lemon, which is probably based on personal life experiences. Every time I watch, I feel like I am glimpsing into my unorganized, disaster of a personal life, future. There, I will have “high priority” checklists as well. I can probably guarantee that the title will still be screaming: GET YOUR LIFE TOGETHER, WOMAN! At this point in life, I’m completely okay with that.

Discover your joy. Beth

…everyone and their wife is at the gym! I was working out the glutes and guns tonight, when a foreign couple walked into my apartment’s fitness center. They were wearing regular clothes, which I thought would be uncomfortable while working out, but I shrugged it off and kept trucking on the treadmill. When I peered at their reflection in the glass, the wife was hardly moving on the elliptical. Seriously, she was going slower than a normal walking pace. I looked over at her husband, who was at the weight machine lifting with his arms and legs. After doing a double take, I realized there were no weights attached to the machine he was lifting. It took all of my effort not to fall off the treadmill laughing at this couple. But, it does answer the question of how they didn’t need work out clothes. They aren’t really necessary if you aren’t breaking a sweat. I admire them for at least trying to be healthy. Kudos, foreign couple! This made me laugh really hard, so I thought I would share.

Discover your joy. Beth

Today, I was rereading my “attempt” to explain how much this song really means to me, and I’m not sure if it sounds corny. If this is the case, it is creating a great injustice to this song. Nevertheless, upon deeper reflection, I realized that the name of this blog is “I have the world to call my home.” And, since my home is scattered across the country, and on some occasions, the world, I feel utterly delighted with the name of my blog. Indeed, when I made this blog about a year ago, the title’s meaning was in a completely different context. I love how even though I have changed over the past year, the title still fits; it just has a different meaning.

Discover your joy. Beth

If you know me well, then you would know that some of my friends and I have an obsession with discovering the color of ours (and other’s) souls.  For those of you who don’t know, my soul is orange.  Ironically, if there was a soundtrack to my life, it would be “Orange Sky” by Alexi Murdoch.  Coincidence? I don’t think so.  He truly captures the meaning of an “Orange Sky”  in this song. Therefore, it makes sense that it would directly correspond to the personality and emotions of an Orange, such as myself.

Well I had a dream
I stood beneath an orange sky
Yes I had a dream
I stood beneath an orange sky
With my brother standing by
With my brother standing by
I said brother, you know you know
It’s a long road we’ve been walking on
Brother you know it is, you know it is
Such a long road we’ve been walking on

Well I had a dream
I stood beneath an orange sky
Yes I had a dream
I stood beneath an orange sky
With my brother and my sister standing by
With my brother and my sister standing by
With my brother and my sister standing by

First verse: Deep twin love and support

Second verse:  My KD sisters bond of ritual binds us together through all the hard times. All of their support, all of their love, all of their laughter; it saved me. In your love, my salvation lies

Third verse: My sisters are still there! Through all the times my spirit and heart has been broken, they understood everything, allowed me to grow, and pushed me in the right direction.

Fourth verse: When I stopped caring, when I sank so low, when I was all alone, when I was lost, I realized that all the people I love define me. I’m okay with that.  I depend on them. I’m used to having them around.  I’m used to their love.  No matter where I am, they are my home.  This apartment will never be my home.  You who are my home

Last verse: My sisters and brother are beside me to celebrate life, dream, love, and to be my home.

This Christmas break can only be defined as epic.  I saw almost all of the people I love, and it rejuvenated my soul.  It made me feel at home. Suddenly, I didn’t feel like I was trapped in a strange place at a school and job I hate.  They remembered who  I am, even if I didn’t.  They reminded me of who I am, and brought me back home.  Thanks for being my salvation.

Discover your joy. Beth

I deactivated my facebook account.  I will probably restart it later, but it’s too much of a distraction right now and I don’t really like the idea of everyone seeing my blog posts ON facebook…I don’t know how to make it stop!

Beth

I seriously thought that’s what I needed Thursday, when I called my Grandmother, wondering if I could stay the night.  I needed to escape.  I wanted to get away to somewhere familiar, where I felt welcome and comfortable.  It takes too long to drive up north, so Grandma’s house was a good second choice.  I needed to study.  I needed to write this paper.  I needed a kick in the ass for motivation.  My Grandma is very good at ass kicking, so naturally, I thought I was going to be productive under her watchful eye.  Driving north, even if it wasn’t all the way home, felt nice.  I was escaping the life I hate, and I felt like a new person.  When I arrived at Grandma’s, we had dinner and talked.  Even though she is waaaaaay out there sometimes, it makes me laugh.  We talked about psychics and how she believes we are both a little psychic.  I stopped her.  I told her that I believed I was intuitive, but not psychic.  Why?  That didn’t sound like me at all.  Thinking back, I do believe I am the teeniest tiniest bit psychic just like my grandma.  I don’t like that person who responded: “NO. Science Science Psychology Logical Reasoning.”  That person is boring.  It felt nice to be connected to someone again.  I still don’t know why I said that.  I went to bed with intense feelings, and I cried a little.  I don’t remember the last time I let myself cry, or feel.  That much love is overwhelming to me.

The next morning, my aunt and cousins came to visit.  I spent the sunny, warm, autumn afternoon outside playing football.  I ran around in the leaves and grass barefoot.  I don’t remember the last time I ran barefoot.  The leaves crunched under my feet and the sun blinded my eyes.  My grandma even decided to play.  She was a blocker, grew into our quarterback, and one time picked, up the ball and ran for a touchdown.  I think we all felt young and alive again.  Eventually, anyone over the age of 20 tired of playing football.  We went inside, but didn’t stay for long.  The leaves were calling my bare feet.  My cousin started gathering leaves with a stick.  I went and got the rakes, and we made a giant leaf pile.  I buried two boys in leaves that day. The time came for me to leave.  I didn’t want to work.  I wanted to east roast beef and mashed potatoes with my family.

After work, we went to the bar.  It was Karaoke Night.  Listening to the alarming number of Celine Dion songs, we chatted, laughed, and were merry.  Dance party in the kitchen! I miss those moments.  Hand slapping and talking in our drunken sleep made me feel normal again.  “You’re my life coach!” I said.  It’s kind of true in a way. When she left, I reverted back to my new ways, however, what I really want is to revert back to my old ways.  I decided to read the book she brought me written by a life coach.  After reading five pages, I felt completely different, lighter.  I wasn’t clenching my jaw or fists.  My muscles relaxed.  Waking up this morning, I picked up the book again.  I felt motivated and excited about something!  I also felt overwhelmed and scared at the prospect of reinventing my life.  I felt something and everything.

I didn’t need a kick in the ass after all.  I needed someone to tell me it was okay to hate everything about my life.  I needed someone to tell me it was okay to change my life.  I needed someone to tell me that sometimes being practical and responsible make you miserable.  I needed to kick my life in the ass, and start all over again.

Discover your joy. Beth

That was the platform of the Whig party, which never really made sense to me.  How could you be moderately free?  Well, I suddenly think I may relate on some level.  I have the ability to make my own choices, but in reality, I don’t.  I’m stuck here at yet another sucky job and at a school I hate.  I wish I could just move somewhere new and exciting with Sunshine or Fire (or both?).  I wish I could work an enjoyable job and start living again.  I feel trapped and stagnant. Where is my north star?  Somehow, I feel like I’m not on the right path, and, deep down, I know that my path has more smiles than this one.

Discover your joy.Beth

“Eternal commotion in the unfathomable ocean of her emotions might see Cancer manically swinging from proverbial party girl to sorrowful soul, especially in her tender years, during which she’s fairly aching for loving care. In truth, she often feels at sea, challenged to establish firm emotional footing, secure a healthy lifestyle, and land the right kind of mate. In early relationships she expects to be saved by men and thus risks attracting tyrannical types who take advantage of her natural urge for dependence.” (Been there, done that…)

“So what does Cancer girl ultimately need? A man who is a rock. Stable ground in a sea of swirling watery emotions and constant utter need.”

“Sextrology refers to her as “The Pearl” – of wisdom (which is usually gained throughout a lifetime of ups and downs). She is ruled by mother Moon, thus representing the “Mother” principle. She controls emotions, mood, intuition and gut impulses. If you know a Cancer female, then you have to know that they FEEL everything. Every single thing, right down to the last little subtle vibe of emotion.”

“Cancer female embodies routine and rhythm (even though it may appear to others as chaos). Sextrology calls her “a seeming ball of chaos who is actually a broadcast of natural order, albeit on an unseen, internal level. The whole of her life will be a process of embracing herself as a natural rhythmic expression of rhyme and reason” – external pandemonium aside.”  (See mom and dad, it’s order to me, and PERCEIVED chaos to you.)

“Crab girl usually does her fair share of kissing (and then some). But her intentions are pure. She’s operating on pure, raw and unabashed emotions thus usually landing her in situations in her youth with more tyrannical types of men. Her complete and total dependence on a man makes her easy prey to the power hungry, insecure, controlling types.”

“Now let’s get deeper into the nuts and bolts of this mysterious woman. She’s a bit more complicated, a bit more emotional and a bit deeper than most others. It may take Cancer female many years to recognize herself as the pearl of wisdom she really is – through experience. Cancer female doesn’t avoid negativity. She forces herself through it. To experience it, to process it – and to truly know it.”

This is so accurate, it’s creepy.  At least I’m not avoiding negativity. That’s a relief.

http://aphroditeastrology.com/2009/08/cancer-females-cinderella-story.html

Discover your joy. Beth

PS: I also just looked back at some of my old blogs from last month, and realized I referred to myself as “Cinderella.” Coincidence?

In Daylights – In Sunsets
In Midnights – In Cups Of Coffee
In Inches – In Miles
In Laughter – In Strife

Now that I am all situated in my new life, I thought I would feel different. I thought moving or changing would help me change as a person. I thought the monotony and general feelings of boredom would change. I don’t feel any different.  I still feel trapped.  I feel like I am doing the same old thing.  Go to school, go to work (at a job similar to the one I have worked for the past 6 years), do homework, sleep, wake up and do it all over again.  I guess I just imagined “the real world” as more exciting. I imagined it as a place where I could make choices and do what I wanted.  It would be full of interesting people, adventures, and lots of great stories/conversations. I am quickly finding that is not the case.   Sadly, I am finding it full of self absorbed, rude people, lacking in adventure, and barely anything exciting to recount day to day.  I am finding school boring and hardly challenging at all.  I feel like my mind is not expanding, but regurgitating facts about chemistry, biology, and even philosophy.  The worst thing is, I feel like this direction won’t change for the next two years.  How am I going to measure the next two years?  Boredom? Apathy? I don’t want to measure them by how many ice cream cones I made people, or how many classes I took.  Unfortunately, “the real world” dictates that’s what I have to do.  Screw you monotonous world. That’s boring, stagnant, and (to me) unlivable.

I can’t control my destiny

I trust my soul

My only hope is just to be

There’s only now

There’s only here

Give in to love or live in fear

No other path no other way

No day but today

I’m trying incredibly hard to be optimistic, and some days are better than others.  Some days, I feel like my life is the story of the city mouse and the country mouse.  I am struggling with the mentality of the people surrounding me.  Everyone is in a hurry; why can’t people chill out?  I had a middle aged man cut me off in traffic, and look me in the eye as he drove forward.  The most disturbing part about this was that he was smirking; the look in his eye was both callous and mocking .  It gives me chills whenever I think about it.  At times like this, I feel like I am in a stampede of humans barely able to keep up.  Someone falls and everyone keeps stampeding.  This country mouse feels lost.

Leap of faith, leap of faith

Only thing to do
Only think to do is jump
Only thing to do is jump Over the moon

Deep down, I have more faith in humanity.  Sometimes, it’s harder to believe in others, but then, I see the people I love and admire most in the world, and they wouldn’t trample a person.  I tell myself that when I’m finally working and done with school, this monotony will end.  All I have to do is keep pushing forward.  But if drastic changes in my life did not stimulate a frenzy of adventure this time, how will having a regular job?  My answer to myself is: I am going to love my job and it will be my new passion in life.  For my sanity, I desperately hope so.  My friends have always been the ones who helped make my life an adventure!  They give me laughter, allow me be geeky (and listen to my geeky rants), and provide the most stimulating conversation.  Now, it seems we are all busy leading separate lives of work, school, or a mixture of both.  I miss living with you.  I miss sitting next to you on Monday nights.  I miss drinking wine, going for drives, and scream laughing with you.  I miss singing at the top of my lungs, dressing in outrageous outfits, and random dance parties.  I miss the slamming of the front door, cuddling on futons, and  the occasional wild party.  I miss waking up after said party, eating breakfast, and telling the hilarity of the night before.  Why does my life seem so dull without your constant companionship?  Why do I feel incomplete without all of you here?  Does that make me dependent on others, or just an extrovert?

It’s Time Now – To Sing Out
Tho’ The Story Never Ends
Let’s Celebrate
Remember A Year In The Life Of Friends

Remember The Love
Remember The Love
Remember The Love
Measure In Love

Measure, Measure your life in Love.

Discover your joy. Beth